Monday, November 26, 2007
ravings of a semi-sane white woman
Something happened to me this past week that threw me into a spiritual quandary. Let me start by saying that my faith is solid, so please don't post a comment about how I need to strengthen my faith, etc. Actually, this is something that satan has been putting into place for quite some time I think. I don't mean to sound vain, no I don't think that satan has nothing better to do with his time than focus on me. However, I do think he has nothing better to do with his time that plan to trip christians up! Anyway, I try to focus my life on Christ and on God's will in my life as best I can. I do my best and I pray for His blessings and I ask Him to fill in the spots that I fall short in some areas (many areas). I had another occasion to do that not too long ago and this past week I got some feedback from that situation. For whatever reason, one I simply have not been able to fathom, God did not choose to fill in the blank spots. This confuses me. The situation is embarrassing so I really don't want to announce it throughout cyberspace, but I realize this is confusing. I think that maybe leaving it vague might allow you to put your situation into it and ponder your own reality for a bit. So here I am basically not getting the answer to a prayer that I thought would end one way, and has taken a dive in the opposite direction. It isn't that God doesn't answer prayer, it is that sometimes His answer is no. I can usually understand and accept this, but this time it was more than my mind could wrap around. I can find nothing good from this answer. So as I ponder what the answer must mean, I come to this conclusion (sometime Saturday night or Sunday morning - I really wasn't sleeping much): regardless of the answer, regardless of my understanding, regardless of any of the circumstances beyond my comprehension, I am to praise God - just because He's God. The "no" answer complicates many things for me right now but I can't choose to pout and deny praising Him because my world isn't as easy as I'd like it to be. He is God. For that alone is He worthy of my praise. I think it was Randy Stonehill (not sure) who sings "Just Because You Are". He sings about how easy it is to praise God when things are going well. Any of you who really knows me well, know that there have been many times when satan attacked my world and according to stats, my life should have turned out a lot different than it is, but God basically told him (satan), "Not this one." I will never understand that except to say, "But by the grace of God, there go I..." So, Sunday morning (ish) I have this revelation that perhaps the answer was no because satan wanted to see what I'm made of. Perhaps satan wanted some time to drench my heart in pain to see if all the blessings that I have are the reason that I praise God. I woke to the fore-mentioned song in my heart and I sang it through tears in the shower and I'm listening to it through tears even as I write. Then I went to church where, you guessed it, the same message was being preached. Has anyone else struggled with the pain of rejection to the point of heartbreak (and I do mean painful heartbreak)? What do you do? What sustains you through the loneliness? How do you feel God through those times? I'd really like to hear ... (how do you like that, an invitation to comment) Thanks for listening to the ravings of a semi-sane white woman, I look forward to your wisdom.
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3 comments:
Ugh - I don't have much wisdom, just a bit of understanding, as far as your situation has taken place (to an extent) in my life. The whole when-God-says-"No" thing is tough to handle. I never got angry at God until I struggled with secondary infertility. My feelings toward God got more sour than I thought they could during a time, although few know it. Praise bey, however, that that situation, led to the blessing of Hannah, albeit after a long, long time, but it wasn't always (still isn't completely) easy. Sounds like you have the logical part of it down, but soothing the soul and feeling the presence of God when you (I) feel rejected is another matter completely. Emotion is such a huge part of who we are, and it's hard to say that that how you feel doesn't matter. Knowing is important, and meditating on how big and good and perfect and faithful God is may provide solace and/or comfort in time. Beyond that, I don't have much to share. Let me ponder on it, and we'll talk again. Take care, friend.
Well you are not along with this feeling. I think we all struggle and I know that I have struggled with this several times in my life. I overcame it but how..... through prayer, is all I can say.
I love and miss you, it was great talking to you the other day.
When your children ask you for something. Your answer is not always a "yes" or a "no." Sometimes we have to tell our children, "Wait just a little while," "Let's see how things play out," or "That depends on..." It may not be God saying, "No." It may not even be Satan working on you. It may be God saying, "Not right now," or "Not until something else falls into place," or "I'm not done preparing you yet."
When we prayed for our first home puchase, the first offer didn't work out. We thought that was a "no." A month and a half later, we owned that house. But, the first "no" was for our protection because w would have been in a financial mess. A few years later, I was begging and pleading with God to take the pain from my life and so angry when He wouldn't. How could He want me to suffer like that? His answer was not, "No, I won't take it away." It was, "Not yet. I'm still working in ways you can't understand."
Hang in there, sweet sister. You are one of my most treasured blessings. Call me!
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